Frankie Borrelli Didn't Wear A Jacket Today - Hardo Move?
One of the things you simply have to accept when you join the workforce is that your coworkers are going to comment on your appearance basically all day, every day. If you get a haircut, they will reference it. They'll actually ask you "You get a haircut?" when it is ABUNDANTLY clear you did, in fact, get one. And you'll have to reply "yup" even though you know he clearly fucking knows you got it cut. Or if you're an asshole who makes dad jokes you'll say "Nope! I got all of them cut!" and then you need to kill yourself. If you get a sunburn, they will roast you about sunblock. If you get a tan, they'll be jealous and start telling you about how they cant take a vacation. If you look too pale, they'll say "Boy you need some sun." Basically any skin tone changes, you're getting comments. If you wear the same shirt on the same day with another coworker, you'll hear "I must have missed the memo" or "Did you guys plan this?"
The list of annoying, small talk quips that your coworkers will throw out based on your appearance is endless. But here at Barstool its all that shit but on steroids. Instead of being small talk, its mean spirited judgmental insecurities being projected onto others. If you try to dress a little bit fashion forward, you'll be the subject of 6 radio shows, 2 blogs, countless tweets and non stop gossip. If you wear a strange color, or a different style or a loud pair of shoes, batten down the hatches and prepare to defend yourself for the next 12-24 hours. Its why Trent wears the Big Daddy Trent Uniform every day - khakis pants and black shirt. Tries to just stay consistent and standard to avoid the chatter. And even then, people give him shit! "Trent, why dont you change your pants!" "Trent do you ever change your clothes??" "Trent are you in the cartoons?" Poor bastard cant win. None of us can. I had to defend myself wearing jeans and sneakers. People get mad at me for selling hoodies and sweatpants. HOODIES! SWEATPANTS! The most universal, standard, popular type of clothing ever. Its insane.
Well today was maybe the perfect example of this toxic ass atmosphere here at Barstool HQ. Frankie Borrelli the pizza maker struts into Barstool HQ wearing his patented long sleeve T (He wears them in the winter and in the summer) with a fuck boi vest on. As soon as he walked in the place, the comments began. You see, when you walk into Barstool HQ with a noteworthy outfit on, the strut from the elevator to your desk is like The Green Mile. Its like you're on death row, walking to meet your demise at the electric chair. And all the other inmates locked in their monkey cages start hootin and hollerin. "Does that come in mens?" "OH OK, "Cool guy." Immediately phones come out and are in your face like the goddam paparazzi. Today for Frankie it was "Arent you cold?" Three consecutive Arent You Cold's on his 30 second walk to his chair. All of his deskmates immediately asking "No coat?" "You forget your coat?" "Wheres your coat?" Before the guy even takes his headphones out and puts his bag down, he's been chirped or questioned by 6 coworkers.
Well I, for one, will not condone, endorse, or enable that behavior. Is Frankie Borrelli cold? Fucking probably! I'd even say "Definitely!" Its 20 degrees and hes got nothing but a thin cotton shirt protecting his arms and body. That little lesbian is probably freezing. But who gives a shit? Why does his body temperature matter to you? Why does his choices regarding the weather effect you to the point that you must speak up about it? Maybe Frankie has some eskimo tendencies and the 30 degrees doesnt effect him. Maybe he likes the feeling of being cold. Maybe he wants to shiver. Perhaps he likes goosebumps. I dont fucking know man. But also I dont care. He also doesnt wear shorts in the summer because he doesnt like the way his legs look and likes pants. Thats none of my goddam business if that little pizza dyke doesnt like his legs. And its none of yours either.
I have three golden rules in life - dont tell me what to drink, dont tell me what to wear, dont tell me what to watch on TV. If I want to wear sweatpants and drink a martini while I watch the Bachelor, let me fucking do it and keep your thoughts to yourself. If I want to wear Jordan's and drink wine at the bar and not watch any college football on Saturday, I'm fucking gonna. I understand you drink whiskey straight and wear selvedge denim, and thats awesome. Good for you. I wont talk about your beverage choices or your fashion preferences and you shouldnt talk about mine.
Now, of course, there are exceptions. I call my partner Madame Feitelberg because he has a long, storied history of wearing outrageous clothes, and truth be told, he WANTS the comments on his outfits. So thats different. Or the time that Dave wore his Middle East sheik shirt on the Rundown:
Certain items of clothing just simply cannot be overlooked. Certain behavior cannot co unchecked. When one of your buddies goes WAAAY out of his comfort zone, you are almost obligated to shame him just to make sure he remains somewhat normal. But if someones outfit is within reason, keep your trap shut. If they dont want to carry an umbrella, let them be a wet asshole. If a fat guy wants to wear shorts in the winter, let him air those tree trunks out in peace.
Bottom line is other people dont effect your life at all. Or, they shouldnt. And if they do effect you, to the point that you have to speak up, then you become the bigger asshole. Let Frankie freeze to death today when he walks home when the sun goes down because hes a moron who didnt take into account that his morning walk will be way warmer than his night time walk. I dont give a shit if he dies and neither should you.
PS - None of this applies to speech. If you have an annoying dialect or make dumb word choices and cannot pronounce basic words and phrases, I will publicly shame you into bolivian. A man has to have a code, and the code I live by is that I will not drink shame, I will not clothes shame, I will not TV shame, but I will absolutely speech shame. And I'll food shame. Like if you put Entenmanns donuts in the fridge I hate you and I'll let you know. And I'll also Poor shame. If you're too poor to afford basic things I'll make fun of you. OK so never mind. I'll definitely shame you for most things and speak up about the majority of your behavior. I've made a living off of it. I will judge you and shame you for almost everything EXCEPT clothes, drinks, and TV.